Poems for Healing - A Better Place

A Better Place was written many years ago to memorialize young girl who was unexpectedly and suddenly killed. The poem is shared in memory of several other young girls who died recently suddenly and unexpectedly in the hopes that it will bring some comfort to family and friends left behind.

The poem has been helpful for those who believe in a life beyond this one to bring hope that they will one day be reunited in the better place.

A Better Place

Cry for me no more
the many tears of sadness
My time in this world was over
and it came for me to pass.

Bring the photos of old time
and see them not with tear-filled eyes
But with eyes of joy and laughter
and smile once more with me.

Know that I am in a better place
one without disease
without hatred and without death
In this kingdom I now call home

I wait here for you
When your time comes to pass
to ease the transition
from the old to the new.

Cry for me no more.
Remember only the laughter.
For I am in another realm
And I wait to see you again.

© 1999 Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

About the Poem
This poem came to me after a request by a visitor to the Journey of Hearts site to find a poem that would be appropriate for remembering a birthday of a young woman, killed by a drunk driver in 1999.

The story reminded me of another young girl, the daughter of one of my teachers, who has killed in the mid 1970's during plane crash at the very young age of 3.

To both of them, their families and the many other families since who have lost loved ones suddenly and unexpectedly, we hope they have found their better place.

Angel image from boslea

Motherland the Film - A Tribute to Those Coping with Grief

Motherland the Film is an amazing look at six women's journey of healing following the loss of a child by reaching out to help others half a world away.

Film-maker and director Jennifer Steinman documents a 17-day trip to South Africa of six grieving women from different parts of the United States to visit what Stephen Lewis, UN envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa, refers to as "an entire continent in mourning."

As noted in the Movie's home page,

Unexpectedly and eight thousand miles from home, each finds comfort and healing in a landscape that appears, at first, to offer little more than melancholy.

You can also listen to an interview with director Jennifer Steinman about the making of the film:



This film really speaks to the healing power of volunteerism and also of the benefits of grieving in a community.

Awards for the Film
"Motherland" was the winner of the 2009 Emerging Visions Audience Award at the South by Southwest (SXSW) Film Festival. Its other awards include the Jury Prize for Best Feature at the 2009 Sebastopol Documentary Film Festival and Best Documentary at the 2009 California Independent Film Festival.

Opening Online - August 26, 2009
You can watch Motherland the Film when it premieres online August 26, 2009 on Gigantic Digital for the amazingly low price of $2.99 for a three day access pass. Visit Gigantic Digital to find out more about accessing this inspirational film.

Rest in Peace - June's Deaths

People often believe when a celebrity dies, they go in three's. This isn't the case for the month of June.

There must be something in the air or the planets must be in the wrong alignment during the month of June. In the span of a couple of weeks we have lost more than just a few celebrities. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and early in the month David Carradine.

Hopefully the trend won't be continuing into July. Yesterday we saw the death of Karl Malden.

Some of these deaths were more anticipated--Ed McMahon and Karl Malden both advanced ages, Farrah Fawcett battling cancer--some of these deaths were sudden, accidental and unexpected--Michael Jackson and Billy Mays both only 50 years old.

I found this image from Mary Ann Hernandez this morning and the photo was such a good visual and a healing visual in some ways. It helped put all of these deaths into some perspective.

The other song that has been going through my head this week after hearing the death of Michael Jackson is the Righteous Brothers, Rock and Roll Heaven.

If there's a rock and roll heaven,
Well you know they've got a hell of a band.

Thoughts and condolences to all of the families, friends and fans of those who have died this June.

More:
Dyer KA. 2009. Twitter to Announce Deaths, Send Sympathies and Condolences. Squidoo.
Dyer KA. 2009. June 25, 2009. A “Where were you when…” Day. Grief, Loss and Bereavement Edublog.

Image Source: Mary Ann Hernandez. R.I.P. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved.

Coping with Challenging Times - Face It!

With all of the craziness going on with the economy, the election and other dis ease in the world, many of us are understandably feeling uneasy. These are troubling and disturbing times.

Many people have experienced significant financial losses, job losses and other personal losses. It is hard to know what to do, where to turn or how thing will eventually turn out.

In the last couple of days I've started receiving emails in my boxes from people hoping to capitalize on these troubling times by selling their services to help people find comfort and calmness when they might be fearful, advice for what the most important thing is to do in the current economy and also to find ways of pinching pennies by purchasing their products.

I was glad to see Paul's weekly Ripples Newsletter arrive this morning as a splash of inspiration and hope to start the week. Paul offered some simple, helpful advice (for free) for coping with these challenging times.

Free advice and hope that didn't require a price tag to read it.

Thanks Paul!

Enjoy!

*************************

Ripples v10.41: Face It!

October 13, 2008: a free weekly splash to 21,410 subscribers from Paul & The Ripples Project


__PEBBLE _________________________________

Facing it, always facing it, that's the way to get through. Face it.
-Joseph Conrad, submitted by Lin H., Bloomington IL


__BOULDER _________________________________

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-Frank Herbert, submitted by Stephanie W., West Des Moines IA


__PONDER _________________________________

If you are feeling scared or bewildered or frustrated by the crazy events recently, you need to remember a few things:

1. You are not the only one.
2. Things will get better.
3. You can handle this.


Yes, you can. You can FACE IT just like you have dealt with other challenges in your life. And I have a sneaking suspicion that not only will you come out of this okay, you might even be stronger, smarter, and braver.


So put your game face on, and FACE IT!


Peace,
Paul


The Ripples Project

For More information about The Ripples Project, see their website.You can also sign up to join the more than 20,000 subscribers and get your own weekly dose of free inspiration.

Image Source: Martin Boulanger. Lyon 4. Royalty Free Use.

What is an Anniversary Response or Anniversary Reaction?

The 11th anniversary of the Sudden Death of Princess Diana today, the 3rd anniversary of Hurricane Katrina a few days ago (August 29) and the upcoming anniversaries of the deaths of Steve Irwin (September 4, the 2nd) and September 11th (the 7th) all are reminders of what loved ones may experience as these dates near...an Anniversary Response.

Anniversary dates of a tragic event, the actual date of the death, the birth date of a loved one, holidays or other special occasions are common triggers for an Anniversary reaction or a grief response; this is a sudden unexpected rush of memories, intense emotions and feelings of grief.

Anniversary Reaction - Defined
The National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder provides the following formal definition of an Anniversary Reaction:

On the anniversary of traumatic events, some people may find that they experience an increase in distressing memories of the event. These memories may be triggered by reminders, but memories may also seem to come from out of the blue while at work, home, or doing recreational activities. An increase in distress around the anniversary of a traumatic event is commonly known as an "anniversary reaction" and can range from feeling mildly upset for a day or two to a more extreme reaction in which an individual experiences significant psychiatric or medical symptoms.

Coping with an Anniversary Reaction
One way of coping with an Anniversary Reaction is to understand what to anticipate. The anniversary reaction can involve days, weeks or even months prior to the anniversary date of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression or fear.

Ways of Coping on the Date of the Anniversary

The following list is a collection of different suggestions, activities and ideas of what to do on the actual anniversary date:

• Gather with friends and families reminisce and tell favorite stories or memories about the person who has died.
• Plan a remembrance service, celebration of life or find a special way of honoring the loved one lost.
• Take flowers to the grave site, memorial site or location of the tragedy.
• Plan a distraction, such as a weekend away or a visit with friends or relatives.
• Create a road side memorial for a love one who has died in a car accident.
• Make a donation to a charitable organization in the person's name on birthdays or holidays.
• Build an ofrenda or altar with portraits, personal goods, clothing, favorite foods and possessions of the deceased family member.
• Make a toast or say a prayer or blessing at the start of a family meal.
• Listen to their favorite music.
• Light a candle.
• Look at old photos or videos.
• Share memories over tea.
• Plant a tree.
• Establish a scholarship.
• Dedicate a bench or plaque.
• Write letters or a journal to the loved one to express your feelings.
• Create a new tradition. This can be very helpful during the holidays. Instead of celebrating the same place and the same way as when the loved one was alive, find a new place and a new way.

Start a New Tradition
Starting a new tradition is perhaps one of the best ways of coping with a loss. Following the unexpected death of Steve Irwin to celebrated his life and his legacy a year later the Family created the "Steve Irwin Day."

Create a Memorial
For what would have been John Lennon's 67th birthday on Videy Island in Reykjavik, Iceland last year Yoko Ono unveiled the Imagine Peace Tower as a way of encouraging global peace.

Light a Candle
Since 1997, on the second Sunday in December The Compassionate Friends (TCF) hold a Worldwide Candle Lighting in memory of all children who have died too soon. On this day people around the world are encouraged to light a candle to so that...Their Light May Always Shine.

More Information
Dyer KA. 2007 - 2008. Anniversary Reaction - When Remembering Isn't Always a Happy Occasion. Squidoo.com

Sources: Hamblen J, Friedman M, Schnurr P. 2007. Anniversary Reactions: A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet. National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Photo Source: Sophie. Heart. Royalty Free Use.

Sacred Life Sunday
This post is one of the Celebrating Sacred Life Sundays Post, a weekly celebration of what is sacred and special in our life. Anniversaries are a reminder to me what is sacred and what we need to celebrate as being special in our lives.
See the first post on Sacred Life Sunday to read more.

Earth Hour - Turn out the Lights on 3/29 Prevent the Loss of the Planet

I am taking a bit of a digression from the Normal Grief, Loss & Transitions postings to post a blog about Earth Hour, a Global Event on March 29 to raise awareness about Climate Change.

The topic of Climate Change does relate to this blog topic of Grief, Loss and Transitions. We are seeing a transition in the global climate, which may lead to a loss and grief of things we have previously taken for granted.

Do Something While We Still have a Chance
Al Gore's quotes from an Inconvenient Truth really got to me as a Mother of two young children:

Future generations may well have occasion to ask themselves, "What were our parents thinking? Why didn't they wake up when they had a chance?"

We have to hear that question from them, now.

I want to make sure that my daughter's get to enjoy hiking and being out in nature the same way that I have been able to do.

Lights out on Earth Hour 2008, March 29
On March 29, 2008 at 8:00 pm millions of people, businesses and governments around the world will be switching off the lights for one hour during Earth Hour 2008.

I've been trying to spread the word and get people to sign up and turn off the lights on March 29 to do something good for the planet.

Earth Hour a simple one time act, but it's away of getting people, families, businesses and governments involved and thinking about Climate Change. Hopefully by raising awareness people will start doing other things in their daily lives to make a difference.

More Information:
You can read more about Earth Hour and more simple things you can do to make a difference in the various articles that I've posted on the topic on Squidoo, "Earth Hour 2008 on March 29, 2008 Turn off the Lights" on Type A Mom "Turn out the lights for Earth Hour March 29, 2008" on the Lensroll "Earth Hour 2008 - Turn out the Lights for One Hour" and on Momshare "Lights Out for Earth Hour on March 29, 2008 and for the Planet."

Sacred Life Sunday
This is a Celebrating Sacred Life Sundays Post, a weekly celebration of what is sacred and special in our life.

For me there is nothing more Sacred than ensuring my daughters get to enjoy hiking and being out in nature, something that I have done all of my life.

Resources:
Dyer KA. Earth Hour 2008 on March 29, 2008 Turn off the Lights. Squidoo.com
Dyer KA. Turn out the lights for Earth Hour March 29, 2008. Type-A Mom.
Dyer KA. Earth Hour 2008 - Turn out the Lights for One Hour. Lensroll.
Dyer KA. Lights Out for Earth Hour on March 29, 2008 and for the Planet. Momshare.

Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Mourning - the Terms

Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Mourning
This blog focuses on the topics of grief, loss and transitions, but people may not realize what these terms mean. In this entry, I look at the terms Loss and Grief and the related terms Bereavement and Mourning. In another entry, we'll look at the concept of Transitions.

Loss
Loss is the disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.

• A brief definition of Loss is the the disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.
• The definition of Loss also includes "the act or instance of losing; the failure to keep or get something valued; the harm or suffering caused by losing or being lost; losses a.k.a. casualties occurring during wartime; destruction; and a measurable reduction in some substance or process."

Loss is a common experience common experience that can be encountered many times during a lifetime; it does not discriminate for age, race, sex, education, economic status, religion, culture or nationality.

Most people have experienced some type of personal or professional loss at some point in their life as a byproduct of living.

Grief, Bereavement and Mourning
Grief, bereavement and mourning, are often used interchangeably, however they are not the same.

Grief
I like to think of Grief as the entire response--mind, body and spirit--to a loss.

• A brief, short definition of Grief is "the normal reaction to loss."
• A slightly longer definition of Grief "the normal process of reacting both internally and externally to the perception of loss."
• A more complete definition of Grief comes from Stroeb M, Stroeb W and Shut H. Grief is "a multifaceted response to loss that includes psychological, behavioral and physical reactions combined with cognitive, emotional, behavioral, social, spiritual and somatic elements."
  

Bereavement
Bereavement is the often term used when the loss is due to the death of a loved one.

• Bereavement is an objective state of having lost someone or something. The term is generally used to describe the state of having suffered a loss due to death.
  
• Bereavement is the also considered to be the loss (by death) of someone important to you and the process caused by a loss or a death.
  

Mourning

• Mourning is the process by which people adapt to loss the public expression of grief, which is shaped by social and cultural expectations. It is how an person tries to incorporate the loss into life and keep living.
  
• Mourning is also the behavior expected by those in the cultural group following a death or loss.
• Mourning is often considered to be the outward expression of grief that is influenced by a person's culture, customs and gender.

More:
Dyer KA. Loss, Grief & Bereavement on Squidoo.

Image Source: Anka Draganski. Grieving. Royalty Free Use.

Sources:
American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2000) Houghton Mifflin Company. Definition of Loss. Bartleby.com
Childs-Gowell. E. 1992. Good Grief Rituals: Tools for Healing. Barrytown, N.Y.:Station Hill Press.
Dyer KA. 2004. Understanding the Impact of Loss & Grief on our Patient's Well Being: Learning How to Take a Loss History. MomMd.com
Dyer KA, Thompson CD. 2000. Journey of Hearts: From Idea to Reality A Website for Web-education Grief and Loss. ITCH 2000 (Information Technology in Community Health) Conference Preceedings. University of Victoria, School of Information Health Sciences.
Dyer KA. Identifying, Understanding, and Working with Grieving Parents in the NICU, Part I: Identifying and Understanding Loss and the Grief Response. Neonatal Network. May/June 2005; 24(4):35-46.
Casarett D, Kutner JS, Abrahm J. Life after Death: A Practical Approach to Grief and Bereavement. Ann Intern Med. 2001;134:208-215. 24 October, 2006.
Rando TA. 1993. Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Champaign, IL: Research Press, 22-3.
Stroeb M, Stroeb W, Shut H. Gender differences in adjustment to bereavement: an empirical and theoretical review. Rev Gen Psychol 5: 62-83.

How to Write a Condolence Note or Send a Sympathy Card

Sending of sympathy cards links people together and reinforces a sense of community and solidarity in the wake of the calamity of death.

Charles Lippy
Sympathy Cards & the Grief Process

When to Send a Sympathy Card
There may be situations and circumstances when it is preferable to express your sympathy in a short condolence note or selecting sending a beautiful sympathy card to send with a note. Used correctly a Condolence Notes or Sympathy Cards is a way to quickly acknowledge a loss.

In these situations you can write a brief personal note on commercial condolence card or insert a brief hand-written note into a hand-crafted card. It is recommended that you follow up the short note with a condolence letter later.

Sending Sympathy Cards - Popular for Condolences in the U.S.
According to research by Hallmark, Americans send nearly 125 million sympathy cards annually. Sympathy cards are a simple gesture of support that provide meaning to both senders and receivers. Sympathy Cards and Condolence Notes are very popular in the United States more so than in other countries.

You can find out more about How to Write a Condolence Note in the article that I just recently published on the topic.

More Information:
Dyer K. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Note. Squidoo.com

Prior Blog Posts:
Dyer K. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Letter. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.

Image Source:
Elaine Broskie. Sympathy Card. Some Rights Reserved. Creative Commons.

A Cleansing, Healing Candle Burning Ceremony

I was inspired by the post yesterday on Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single and remembering the cleansing Valentine's Burning Ritual (Boyfriend burning bonfire) conducted by Phoebe for Monica and Rachel to help them deal with the holiday.

I went in search to find a positive, healing candle burning ritual and remembered that I had created on for my friends several years ago. This would work for Valentine's Day, when you are coping with a break-up or divorce. It would also work for any time that you would like to clear out the cobwebs of the past or manage a transition.

To do the candle ceremony yourself, read through the text, decide which passages you would like to use. Get the corresponding number of candles then recite the passages as you light the candle.

A Cleansing, Healing Candle Burning Ceremony

On this day…

I light a candle for harmony and transformation

so that past regrets, disappointments and losses no longer consume me.

I light a candle for understanding and compassion for all of humankind

for those who love me and for those who do not.

I light a candle for healing and cleansing my mind, body and spirit

so that my past no longer hides the wondrous essence of who I am.

On this day…

I light a candle for the insight to make wise decisions,

so that I can look to the future without regret.

I light a candle for the ability to confidently accomplish what is possible

and find the courage to accept whatever is beyond my control.

I light a candle for illumination to find my way through the darkness

and to light the way for others struggling in their own darkness.

On this day…

I light a candle for all of my hopes, wishes and dreams

and my abiding faith in believing they will come true.

I light a candle for empowerment and kindness

so that my heart is filled with light, love and happiness.

I light a candle for determination and strength

so that I can proceed on my life’s journey

in harmony and happiness with hope and a peaceful heart.

© 2000. Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

This blessing was created as part of a Holiday Ceremony for two of my dear friends to help them find hope and love for the New Year. It was inspired by a poem written by Francesca Lindquist "Light a Candle of Hope" many years ago originally available at the Hope for Infertility Website.

For More about the Benefits of Candle Ceremonies see the World Candle Lighting Lens on Squidoo.

Image Source: Modified Microsoft Images.

Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single

For many, many of my adult years, Valentine's Day was a harsh reminder and a reality check of the absence of someone special in my life.

As a medical student and resident physician in training, I found it difficult to see the nursing staff and married student's getting special flowers from that "Special Someone."

I would spend many a day and night wondering, when or if, I would ever find someone. (I met my husband when we were both 36.)

Valentines - Harder for the Single Female?
Perhaps because of the Valentine Marketing that now appears soon after Christmas and the many pressures placed on women to be part of a "couple," Valentine's Day is harder for the single female and the newly single female.

These feelings were depicted on a classic "Friends" episode from the first season, where Phoebe leads Monica and Rachel on a cleansing Valentine's Burning Ritual (Boyfriend burning bonfire) to help them deal with the holiday. Their ritual goes awry and the fire department (with male fire fighters) respond.

Suggestions for Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single

• Have a burning ritual, but make it a positive, cleansing one--getting rid of the old, to let in the new. Be fire aware.
  
• Listen to your favorite uplifting music.
• Light a candle.
• Read an inspiring poem (not necessarily a love poem).
• Take a minute to list everything you have to be grateful for, and focus on living life with gratitude.
  
• Plan a special day just for you.
• Give yourself a special spa day.
• Go to a funny (non-romantic) movie.
• Get your hair or nails done.
• Give yourself the time to read the book, magazine that you've been wanting to read.
• Watch the inspirational short mini-film, A Knock at the Door.
  
• Plan a distraction, such as a weekend away or a visit with single friends or supportive relatives.
• Create a new tradition.
• Go on a lovely hike. Practice some nature therapy. Getting out in nature can be very uplifting.
  
• Take a girlfriend out to Tea.
• Remember that Life is still worthwhile if you just Smile.
  
• Do something nice for someone else - thinking of others when you are feeling down is a great way to lift your spirits.

Suggestions for Coping with Valentine's Day When You're Newly Single

Valentine's Day is also a difficult day for those who are newly single, those who have lost that special someone, due to breakups, divorce and especially death. As with Christmas. Birthday's and Anniversaries, Valentine's Day can be another of the painful 'trigger' days that bring back the old memories.

Some helpful coping strategies for making it through the day include:

• Take time to relax.
• Focus on yourself and take care of your health.
• Make time to attend to the needs of family, especially children.
• Find someone to talk to about how you are feel.
• Focus on good times you shared with your loved one, rather than the loss.
• Pretend it is an ordinary, regular day.
  
• Find a way of celebrating (or not) that will be the most meaningful for you.
• If you need to take a look at other healthy ways of coping with grief.
  

Look over the list of suggestions for Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single and find one that sounds like it would be a good way to celebrate the day.

Sources:
Dyer K. Ways of Coping with Valentine's Day. Condolence & Sympathy Section. Journey of Hearts.
Dyer K. Anniversary Reaction - When Remembering Isn't Always a Happy Occasion. Squidoo.com
Dyer K. Life is still worthwhile if you just smile - An Inspirational Song by Josh Groban. August 2007. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.

Image Source:
Sarah Williams. Brokenheart. Royalty Free Use.

Grief, Loss & Comfort Quote - Measuring a Life by the Quality of Moments

Wonderful sentiments about what is really important when you look back at the end of a life.

At the end of life,
it's the laughter,
the tears,
the shared joys and
the shared heartaches
that we remember.

The wealth,
the work,
the trials
and problems
are as nothing.

It's the quality of our days
and the people we share them with
that make all the difference.
Margaret James

May your days be filled with moments that matter.

Remember for more Grief, Loss & Comfort Quotes see our rotating quotes at the bottom of the page, or click on the Quotations or Quotes label.

Dyer KA. Grief, Loss & Comfort Quotes *Check out the bottom of the blog* http://grief-loss-info.blogspot.com/2007/07/new-blog-feature-grief-loss-comfort.html

Photo Source:Bobbi Dombrowski. Friendship. Royalty Free Use.

CarePages - Connect, Share, Care

Journey of Hearts has paired up with CarePages to give our viewers their own place online to create a page to connect, share and care during challenging times. Visit the custom Journey of Hearts CarePages to get started.

What is a CarePage?
A CarePage is a personal, private web page that can be used by family and friends to stay connected and enhance communication when a loved one is facing a long-term illness or at the end of life.

Using a Care Page
Creating a CarePage can be a way of generating support, providing information and updates easily. I think the greatest benefit may be that of holding the loved one in everyone's thoughts so they can do better and get healthy, or feel the love and support of family at the end of life.

You can use our custom Journey of Hearts CarePages to keep family connected when a loved one is facing a challenging illness, or at the end of life.

For More Information

• Journey of Hearts CarePages
  
• Squidoo Lens on CarePages

Words to Comfort - In Memory of You

Poems Reach and Touch People with Words
It was during college and the later during medical school that I discovered the power of words to help people through the grieving and healing process following a loss.

Words that I have written as poems during difficult moments when I was dealing with the losses of friends and patients have touched people in ways that I never would have imagined possible.

Since it's inception, the Journey of Hearts website has included the healing effects of poetry to aid in helping visitors to this site through the grieving process.

Many of my poems featured on the site have been reprinted as memorials in newspapers, yearbooks for those who have died, or spoken at funerals or memorial services. Most recently my poem, In Memory of You was included as an example of a contemporary bereavement poem in the new eBook, Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep.

You can read the poem in it's entirety below:

In Memory of You


I find an old photograph
and see your smile.
As I feel your presence anew,
I am filled with warmth
and my heart remembers love.

I read an old card
sent many years ago
during a time of turmoil and confusion.
The soothing words written then
still caress my spirit
and bring me peace.

I remember who you used to be
the laughter we shared
and wonder what you have become.
Where are you now,
Where did you go,
When the body is left behind
and the spirit is released to fly?

Perhaps you are the morning bird
singing joyfully at sunrise,
or the butterfly that dances
so carelessly on the breeze
or the rainbow of colors
that brightens a stormy sky
or the fingers of afternoon mist
delicately reaching over the mountains
or the final few rays of the setting sun
lighting up the skies
edging the clouds with a magical glow.

I miss your being
but I feel your presence,
In whatever form you choose to take,
however you now choose to be.

Your spirit has become for me
a guardian angel on high
guiding, advising, and watching over me.

I remember you.
You are with me
and I am not afraid.

© 1996 Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS. All rights reserved.

About the Poem
"In Memory of You" was written on a sunny winter day, penned in response to news of the death of a dear family friend from bone cancer. Her death combined with several other recent significant losses--a childhood friend to the complications of multiple sclerosis at the age of 34, a 22 year old to the long-term effects of anorexia nervosa and a vibrant patient to lung cancer at the age of 38--were the inspiration for the poem.

The deaths of these 4 young women were my primary motivators, but there were many others over the years--patients that I had lost during my days as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) or while in medical school and residency training.

"In Memory of You" has been used in many different ways since it was written and shared with hundreds of people since being posted to the Journey of Hearts site in 1998. The poems was featured as one of the healing poems on a collection of poetry assembled on the Journey of Heart site following the September 11th 2001 tragedy. In 2003 the poem was one of several of my poems included in the ABC's of Grief: A Handbook for Survivors. "In Memory of You" was even included as a Poem on the Day on the Poet Seer Site in 2004. In 2006, "In Memory of You" was shared as a resource with the About.com community during my tenure as the Death, Dying and Bereavement guide.

Over the years "In Memory of You" has also been used in with sympathy cards, as a Christmas card inserts, read at funerals and memorials and found it's way onto many Internet memorial sites, often listed as anonymous.

Photo Source: Reading Card. Modified Microsoft Image.

Children are likely to Grieve Over Any Deaths in the Latest Harry Potter Book

There have been hints that two of the major characters in Harry Potter, including possibly Harry himself, will be killed in the last of the Harry Potter books, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" due out on Saturday July 21, 2007.

Author J.K. Rowling is expected to kill off two characters in this last book as a way to indicate to readers that the Harry Potter series is finally over. There is a concern that young fans of Harry Potter and his friends may have difficulties coping with the death or deaths if their favorite characters are killed off.

Is it Death for Harry Potter?

Deaths of Public Figure can become Teachable Moments
When Steve Irwin was suddenly killed in September last year I was the Death, Dying and Bereavement Guide at About.com. I wrote about talking to a child about the death of the Crocodile Hunter, as being a teachable moment* for parents to share with their children.

With J.K. Rowling's plans to kill off one or more of the Harry Potter characters another teachable moment* may emerge--an opportunity for parents talk with their children about death. It is likely that many children will be saddened by the loss and truly grieve any of the death(s) in the Harry Potter book.

These teachable moments* can be an excellent opportunity for parent to explain the dying and death to a child. In the latest case, parents will probably need to address the death(s) of one of their "friends," the Harry Potter characters.

*A teachable moment is a moment of educational opportunity: a time at which a person, especially a child, is likely to be particularly disposed to learn something or particularly responsive to being taught or made aware of something.

Coping with the Death(s) of a Harry Potter Character(s)
For avid Harry Potter fans it may be very difficult for them to cope with the death of one or more of their characters. Even though parents may take the realistic view that “it’s just a book” the Harry Potter characters are very real to children, and they may be saddened and distressed. Parents, counselors, teachers, psychiatrists and children’s camp leaders are anticipating a lot of teary fans after reading the final book.

Children can experience different emotions in response to a death, even the death of a fictional character. Some will become sad, many will cry, other will become distressed. Other children may not appear to be distressed, rather will take the deaths in stride (or more likely may not want to talk about it). These are all normal reactions to a death.

Depending on the way the death(s) occur, many children may be confused disappointed or distraught. Parents should be sure that they know about how the deaths occurred, in order to answer questions. Read the book or check the fan sites for details.

How to Help Children Cope with a Death
According to child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. David Fassler:

The death of a well-known public figure can be hard to comprehend or accept. Understandably, some young children may feel sad or confused.

As parents, teachers and caring adults, we can best help by listening and responding in an honest, consistent and supportive manner.

When trying to help a child cope with death it is helpful to:

• Know what is going on with the death (In the case of Harry Potter, read the book or synopsis).
  
• Answer his or her questions about death in simple terms.
• Not minimize the loss.
• Listen to your child.
• Be supportive if the child is emotional. (A normal response.)
• Be supportive if the child is not emotional. (Also a normal response.)
  
• Be available when the child is ready to talk.
• Let your child have time to grieve, be upset and talk about what they are experiencing.
• Give your child different ways to express the loss--verbal, written, creative, musical and physical.

Additional Resources to Help Children Cope with Death

• Helping Children Cope with Death - By Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT from Journey of Hearts.
• Talking to Children About the Death of a Public Figure - By Dr. David Fassler, from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
• Helping Children Cope With Loss - A shorter article from the National Mental Health Association
• Talking To Children About Death - An extensive article from Hospice Net, based on a Key Not Speech by J.W.Worden PhD
• The Child's Loss: Death, Grief and Mourning - From Dr. Bruce Perry of the ChildTrauma Academy.
• Helping Children Cope with Death - Online version from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). Also available as a downloadable PDF File brochure.
  

Sources:
Meltz BF. What is a parent to do if Harry or Ron dies? July 18, 2007. The Boston Globe.
Dyer KA. Talking to a Child about the Death of Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin ~ A Teachable Moment. September 10, 2006. Dying.about.com
Definition. Teachable Moment. Encarta® World English Dictionary [North American Edition] © 2007.

Photo Source: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The Leaky Cauldron. http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/

Coping with Loss - What Can I Say When a NICU Baby Dies?

In the past several years my area of expertise based on life experiences has been expanded to include the role of NICU Parent.

I have also shifted my focus to being a professional health educator. One of the main areas of education for me is in the often overlooked areas of grief and bereavement.

My educational expertise has also expanded to include the perspective of a NICU parent. With this new area of expertise, there may be some overlap with the NICU Parent Support site, and sometimes when the Losses discussed are NICU Losses.

Coping with NICU Loss
Today a posting by NICU Doctor on "Loss" in the NICU caught my eye. This is an abbreviated version of the comments that I left.

While my specialty is Internal Medicine, I have also done postgraduate training in grief, loss and bereavement with a special interest in hospice and end-of-life care. In addition, I am a former NICU parent.

Thankfully, we did not have to face the decisions with end-of-life care with our daughter. Since this experience I have explored grief and bereavement in the NICU from the dual perspective of a NICU parent and a grief and bereavement educator.

I recently posted a blog on What can I *say* when a NICU baby dies? for friends and family with a reminder that "words can provide a source of solace, hope, comfort and reassurance--emotions much needed during the grieving process."

Here is the link from the NICU Parent Support Site Blog with suggestions for what people can *say* when a NICU baby dies. Some of these comments are generic enough to work for other people in other situations when a loved one has died.

Sources:
Dyer KA. June 2007. What can I *say* when a NICU baby dies? Neonatal Parent Support Site.
Neonatal Doc. July 2007. Loss. Neonatal Doc. http://neonataldoc.blogspot.com/2007/07/loss.html

A New Blog Feature - Grief, Loss & Comfort Quotes *Check out the bottom of the blog*

With the redesign, we have finally been able to create a Quote Generator that rotates many of the favorite quotations and words of comfort featured on the Journey of Hearts site.

You can find the Quote Generator at the bottom of the blog page. The quote generator is designed to reveal a new quote every day...an incentive to come back and visit the Grief, Loss & Transitions' blog.

Example

Even in the darkest times, memories of past winters melting into spring can comfort, sustain us and bring hope. Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS

A Special Thanks
We would like to give a special acknowledgment of thanks to "Tips for New Bloggers" for making the code available.


Source:
Java Script for Quote of the Day: Tips for New Bloggers. February 10, 2007.
http://tips-for-new-bloggers.blogspot.com/search/label/Quotes%20Widget

Journey of Hearts - A Source for Grief, Loss & Transitions

Journey of Hearts was launched in the Fall of 1997 as "a Healing Place in CyberSpace."

Journey of Hearts: A Healing Place in CyberSpace ... }"{

With the redesign in 2002 the became "An Online Healing Place for Anyone Grieving a Loss."

Journey of Hearts: A Healing Place

As we approach our 10th year on the Internet, Journey of Hearts will be taking on a new byline:

Journey of Hearts -
Resources, Information and Support
For Anyone Grieving a Loss and Living through a Transition

and

Grief Resources, Information and Support
from Journey of Hearts

This new byline will be one that helps people unfamiliar with the site to better understand what the focus of the site has been all along, a web resource for anyone grieving a loss. The new design will allow Journey of Hearts to be more easily discovered by search engines as one of the online resources for Grief, Loss & Transitions.