Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Mourning - the Terms

Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Mourning
This blog focuses on the topics of grief, loss and transitions, but people may not realize what these terms mean. In this entry, I look at the terms Loss and Grief and the related terms Bereavement and Mourning. In another entry, we'll look at the concept of Transitions.

Loss
Loss is the disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.

• A brief definition of Loss is the the disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.
• The definition of Loss also includes "the act or instance of losing; the failure to keep or get something valued; the harm or suffering caused by losing or being lost; losses a.k.a. casualties occurring during wartime; destruction; and a measurable reduction in some substance or process."

Loss is a common experience common experience that can be encountered many times during a lifetime; it does not discriminate for age, race, sex, education, economic status, religion, culture or nationality.

Most people have experienced some type of personal or professional loss at some point in their life as a byproduct of living.

Grief, Bereavement and Mourning
Grief, bereavement and mourning, are often used interchangeably, however they are not the same.

Grief
I like to think of Grief as the entire response--mind, body and spirit--to a loss.

• A brief, short definition of Grief is "the normal reaction to loss."
• A slightly longer definition of Grief "the normal process of reacting both internally and externally to the perception of loss."
• A more complete definition of Grief comes from Stroeb M, Stroeb W and Shut H. Grief is "a multifaceted response to loss that includes psychological, behavioral and physical reactions combined with cognitive, emotional, behavioral, social, spiritual and somatic elements."
  

Bereavement
Bereavement is the often term used when the loss is due to the death of a loved one.

• Bereavement is an objective state of having lost someone or something. The term is generally used to describe the state of having suffered a loss due to death.
  
• Bereavement is the also considered to be the loss (by death) of someone important to you and the process caused by a loss or a death.
  

Mourning

• Mourning is the process by which people adapt to loss the public expression of grief, which is shaped by social and cultural expectations. It is how an person tries to incorporate the loss into life and keep living.
  
• Mourning is also the behavior expected by those in the cultural group following a death or loss.
• Mourning is often considered to be the outward expression of grief that is influenced by a person's culture, customs and gender.

More:
Dyer KA. Loss, Grief & Bereavement on Squidoo.

Image Source: Anka Draganski. Grieving. Royalty Free Use.

Sources:
American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2000) Houghton Mifflin Company. Definition of Loss. Bartleby.com
Childs-Gowell. E. 1992. Good Grief Rituals: Tools for Healing. Barrytown, N.Y.:Station Hill Press.
Dyer KA. 2004. Understanding the Impact of Loss & Grief on our Patient's Well Being: Learning How to Take a Loss History. MomMd.com
Dyer KA, Thompson CD. 2000. Journey of Hearts: From Idea to Reality A Website for Web-education Grief and Loss. ITCH 2000 (Information Technology in Community Health) Conference Preceedings. University of Victoria, School of Information Health Sciences.
Dyer KA. Identifying, Understanding, and Working with Grieving Parents in the NICU, Part I: Identifying and Understanding Loss and the Grief Response. Neonatal Network. May/June 2005; 24(4):35-46.
Casarett D, Kutner JS, Abrahm J. Life after Death: A Practical Approach to Grief and Bereavement. Ann Intern Med. 2001;134:208-215. 24 October, 2006.
Rando TA. 1993. Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Champaign, IL: Research Press, 22-3.
Stroeb M, Stroeb W, Shut H. Gender differences in adjustment to bereavement: an empirical and theoretical review. Rev Gen Psychol 5: 62-83.

How to Write a Condolence Note or Send a Sympathy Card

Sending of sympathy cards links people together and reinforces a sense of community and solidarity in the wake of the calamity of death.

Charles Lippy
Sympathy Cards & the Grief Process

When to Send a Sympathy Card
There may be situations and circumstances when it is preferable to express your sympathy in a short condolence note or selecting sending a beautiful sympathy card to send with a note. Used correctly a Condolence Notes or Sympathy Cards is a way to quickly acknowledge a loss.

In these situations you can write a brief personal note on commercial condolence card or insert a brief hand-written note into a hand-crafted card. It is recommended that you follow up the short note with a condolence letter later.

Sending Sympathy Cards - Popular for Condolences in the U.S.
According to research by Hallmark, Americans send nearly 125 million sympathy cards annually. Sympathy cards are a simple gesture of support that provide meaning to both senders and receivers. Sympathy Cards and Condolence Notes are very popular in the United States more so than in other countries.

You can find out more about How to Write a Condolence Note in the article that I just recently published on the topic.

More Information:
Dyer K. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Note. Squidoo.com

Prior Blog Posts:
Dyer K. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Letter. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.

Image Source:
Elaine Broskie. Sympathy Card. Some Rights Reserved. Creative Commons.

Coping with Sudden Death - A Series of Recent School Shootings

In the past few weeks we've seen another series of school shootings in California, Florida and now in Illinois. Friends, Family, Schools are left trying to figure out how to help the survivors cope with these sudden traumatic losses.

The Sudden Death Shatters Our World in an Instant

A sudden death is one that occurs without any forewarning; it is unanticipated.

A traumatic death, in addition to being sudden, can also be violent, mutilating or destructive; the traumatic death can be random and/or preventable or may involve many deaths.

The sudden, accidental, unexpected or traumatic death shatters the world as we know it. It is often a loss that does not make any sense.

In an instance life is forever changed. Survivors (those left behind) are left with the knowledge that life is not always fair and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. The sudden, traumatic death leaves the survivors feeling shaken, unsure and vulnerable.

Each type of sudden loss, whether a shooting, a heart attack, a car accident or a terrorist attack, leaves survivors bereaved, dazed and vulnerable trying to make sense out of the insensible loss. As survivors of sudden or traumatic death begin to process the loss, they experience a grief response.

After a Sudden Loss - Focus on the Basics

When facing the aftermath of a sudden death, it is important for the survivor to take care of him/herself following a sudden loss by focusing on the basics the body needs for day-to-day survival:

• Maintain a normal routine. Even if it is difficult to do regular activities, try to anyway.
• Putting more structure into a daily routine will help one to feel more in control.
• Get enough sleep, at least plenty of rest.
• It may be helpful to keep lists, write notes, or keep a schedule.
• Try and get some regular exercise. This can help relieve stress and tension.
• Keep a balanced diet. Watch out for junk food, or high calorie comfort food binges.
• Drink plenty of water.
• Drink alcohol in moderation. Alcohol should not be used as a way of masking the pain.
• Do what comforts, sustains and recharges you.
• Remember other difficult times and how you have survived them. Draw upon the inner strength.
• Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time.

The Unanswerable Whys

Following a traumatic death or sudden loss, people are left wondering "Why?" It is difficult to find a good answer to this unanswerable question.

When faced with the unanswerable “Why” in the past, I have found the thoughts of Rabbi Earl Grollman on this topic to be very helpful in coping with this most difficult question. He says:

“Why must life be one of sorrow?” “Why?” There are no pat answers. No one completely understands the mysteries of life. Even if the question were answered, would your pain be eased?

There is no satisfactory response for an unresolvable dilemma. Not all questions have complete answers. “Unanswered Why's” are a part of life. The search may continue, but the real question might be “How [do I] pick up the pieces and go on living as meaningful as possible?”

Sources:
Dyer KA. 2002. Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death. Journey of Hearts.
Dyer KA. 2001. 9-11: United in Courage & Grief. Ways of Coping then Helping. Journey of Hearts.
Dyer KA. 2001. 9-11: United in Courage & Grief. Why does my heart Feel so bad? Journey of Hearts.
Grollman RA. Why? Journeys Newsletter. Washington D.C.: Hospice Foundation of America, March 2001, p. 3.

Image Source: Broken Egg. Modified Microsoft Image.

Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single

For many, many of my adult years, Valentine's Day was a harsh reminder and a reality check of the absence of someone special in my life.

As a medical student and resident physician in training, I found it difficult to see the nursing staff and married student's getting special flowers from that "Special Someone."

I would spend many a day and night wondering, when or if, I would ever find someone. (I met my husband when we were both 36.)

Valentines - Harder for the Single Female?
Perhaps because of the Valentine Marketing that now appears soon after Christmas and the many pressures placed on women to be part of a "couple," Valentine's Day is harder for the single female and the newly single female.

These feelings were depicted on a classic "Friends" episode from the first season, where Phoebe leads Monica and Rachel on a cleansing Valentine's Burning Ritual (Boyfriend burning bonfire) to help them deal with the holiday. Their ritual goes awry and the fire department (with male fire fighters) respond.

Suggestions for Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single

• Have a burning ritual, but make it a positive, cleansing one--getting rid of the old, to let in the new. Be fire aware.
  
• Listen to your favorite uplifting music.
• Light a candle.
• Read an inspiring poem (not necessarily a love poem).
• Take a minute to list everything you have to be grateful for, and focus on living life with gratitude.
  
• Plan a special day just for you.
• Give yourself a special spa day.
• Go to a funny (non-romantic) movie.
• Get your hair or nails done.
• Give yourself the time to read the book, magazine that you've been wanting to read.
• Watch the inspirational short mini-film, A Knock at the Door.
  
• Plan a distraction, such as a weekend away or a visit with single friends or supportive relatives.
• Create a new tradition.
• Go on a lovely hike. Practice some nature therapy. Getting out in nature can be very uplifting.
  
• Take a girlfriend out to Tea.
• Remember that Life is still worthwhile if you just Smile.
  
• Do something nice for someone else - thinking of others when you are feeling down is a great way to lift your spirits.

Suggestions for Coping with Valentine's Day When You're Newly Single

Valentine's Day is also a difficult day for those who are newly single, those who have lost that special someone, due to breakups, divorce and especially death. As with Christmas. Birthday's and Anniversaries, Valentine's Day can be another of the painful 'trigger' days that bring back the old memories.

Some helpful coping strategies for making it through the day include:

• Take time to relax.
• Focus on yourself and take care of your health.
• Make time to attend to the needs of family, especially children.
• Find someone to talk to about how you are feel.
• Focus on good times you shared with your loved one, rather than the loss.
• Pretend it is an ordinary, regular day.
  
• Find a way of celebrating (or not) that will be the most meaningful for you.
• If you need to take a look at other healthy ways of coping with grief.
  

Look over the list of suggestions for Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single and find one that sounds like it would be a good way to celebrate the day.

Sources:
Dyer K. Ways of Coping with Valentine's Day. Condolence & Sympathy Section. Journey of Hearts.
Dyer K. Anniversary Reaction - When Remembering Isn't Always a Happy Occasion. Squidoo.com
Dyer K. Life is still worthwhile if you just smile - An Inspirational Song by Josh Groban. August 2007. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.

Image Source:
Sarah Williams. Brokenheart. Royalty Free Use.

How to Write a Condolence Letter

Finding the right words to write a condolence letter or sympathy note may be challenging, yet the benefits can be immeasurable especially for the recipient.

Many people don't realize the importance of Sympathy Letters until they have been on the receiving end and greatly appreciate the hand-written condolences.

A well-written, heart-felt condolence letter is a simple way to show your support and sympathy for the person grieving the death of a loved one.

Find out more about How to Write a Condolence Letter in the article that I have recently published on the topic.

Image Source: Nadya Smolskaya. In Closing. Used with Permission.

Welcome to Grief, Loss & Transitions - the New Blog for Journey of Hearts

Welcome to the New Blog I am starting for visitors and supporters of the Journey of Hearts Website, the original online devoted to Grief and Loss developed by a physician.

Celebrating 10 Years of Service
This fall, Journey of Hearts celebrates our 10th anniversary of service to the grieving Internet Community. We will be updating and redesigning the site in celebration of our 10 years online.

With more than > 600 pages to convert, update and re-edit it will take some time, but we are optimistic that the new site will be available by the anniversary of our launch in October.

In the meantime, new information, articles and resources will be posted to this blog.

Grief, Loss & Transitions - The Journey of Hearts Blog
Much has changed in the 10 years Journey of Hearts has been online. Blogging or keeping a web log wasn't an option. Now blogging is an easy way of quickly updating visitors and providing useful information.

In addition to providing updates to the redesign of Journey of Hearts I also plan to provide information and resources for anyone grieving a loss and living through life transitions.

A Labor of Love - A Gift to the Grieving Internet Community
Since the beginning planning stages of the site in September 1997 to it's launch in October of that year, the Journey of Hearts site has been physically and financially maintained by Dr. Kirsti A. Dyer and her husband Cole D. Thompson.

The entire operating costs including the thousands of hours over the last 10 years to write, design, host and maintain the web resource have been donated.

From the beginning to 10 years later, Journey of Hearts has been a labor of love, created in my free time. Because of the continued messages and positive feedback on the site, we believe it is a resource that needs to continue.