Being with a Dying Person - A Sacred Event

For me when I was a medical student, a resident physician or a physician in practice and now as a bereavement professor, one of the most sacred experiences was that of being with a person during their final stages or life. Being able to walk with someone through the dying process is one of the most challenging and sacred of experiences.

This is the reason that I've selected the topic of Being with a Dying Person as the another topic for Sacred Life Sundays.

Sharing the End of Life
Sharing the wonder and the terror of being on the edge of being is bearing a witness to a person's final journey. Walking with a loved one or a patient on this sacred final path is a very extraordinary and intimate experience, as we learn the importance of just being.

Former New York Times book review editor and essayist, Anatole Broyard offered some wise first-hand insights about being with a person at the end of life in his essay "Doctor Talk to Me." In this article he encourages people, doctors in particular, to open their hearts to the dying patient with a reminder that...

Not every patient can be saved, but his illness may be eased by the way the doctor responds to him...
In learning to talk to his patients, the doctor may talk himself back into loving his work.
He has little to lose and much to gain by letting the sick man into his heart.
If he does, they can share, as few others can, the wonder, terror and exaltation of being on the edge of being.

Being a Healing Presence
Often the most difficult role of a physician or a family member is knowing when to "let go" with someone at the end of life and just "to be." We may feel as though we have little to offer the dying patient, yet these wise words from Anatole Broyard, a dying patient, can help us to realize that illness may be eased by the way the doctor (or the family) responds to the patient.

There is a healing power in human presence in simply being.

Just Be

Be yourself and relate person to person.
Be ready to listen again and again.
Be respectful.
Be aware of feelings and non-verbal cues.
Be present.
Be comfortable with silence.
Be human.
Be genuine.
Most of all--Be there.

© Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

Sharing the Silence
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen offers the following description of being and sharing true intimacy.

We experience intimacy not by sharing words,
but by sharing the silence.

In the end of life what matters, what makes the difference, is taking the time to slow down, to hold a hand, to give support, to just be and to share the silence.

Sacred Life Sunday
This post is one of the Celebrating Sacred Life Sundays Post, a weekly celebration of what is sacred and special in our life. See the first post on Sacred Life Sunday to read more.

______________________________

Sources:
Dyer, K. Healers and Healing. July 1998. At: http://dying.about.com/od/poetry/a/healers.htm
Ostaseski F. How to be with a Dying Person. On Our Own Terms. 2000, Educational Broadcasting Corporation/Public Affairs Television, Inc. At: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/onourownterms/articles/withperson-tools.html
Being a Supportive Friend to A Grieving Person, North Central Florida Hospice, Inc. 1996. http://www.journeyofhearts.org/jofh/kirstimd/friend.htm
Rabow MW, McPhee SJ. Beyond breaking bad news: how to help patient who suffer. WJM 1999:171:260-263. At: http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1305864
Broyard A. Doctor Talk to Me. New York Times. August, 26 1990.

Image Source:
Julio Cid. Being Hands. Used with Permission

How to Write a Condolence Note or Send a Sympathy Card

Sending of sympathy cards links people together and reinforces a sense of community and solidarity in the wake of the calamity of death.

Charles Lippy
Sympathy Cards & the Grief Process

When to Send a Sympathy Card
There may be situations and circumstances when it is preferable to express your sympathy in a short condolence note or selecting sending a beautiful sympathy card to send with a note. Used correctly a Condolence Notes or Sympathy Cards is a way to quickly acknowledge a loss.

In these situations you can write a brief personal note on commercial condolence card or insert a brief hand-written note into a hand-crafted card. It is recommended that you follow up the short note with a condolence letter later.

Sending Sympathy Cards - Popular for Condolences in the U.S.
According to research by Hallmark, Americans send nearly 125 million sympathy cards annually. Sympathy cards are a simple gesture of support that provide meaning to both senders and receivers. Sympathy Cards and Condolence Notes are very popular in the United States more so than in other countries.

You can find out more about How to Write a Condolence Note in the article that I just recently published on the topic.

More Information:
Dyer K. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Note. Squidoo.com

Prior Blog Posts:
Dyer K. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Letter. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.

Image Source:
Elaine Broskie. Sympathy Card. Some Rights Reserved. Creative Commons.

A Virtual Hug for You on Valentine's Day... Pass it On

Sometimes, a hug is all that we need.

Juan Mann

Valentine's Day can be difficult for those who are single and for those who are newly single. In previous blogs this week, Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single I shared some ways of coping with the holiday.

Another way of coping is to brighten someone's day by sharing a hug.

The Free Hugs Campaign
The Free Hugs Campaign began as one person's attempt to make a difference and reach out to others to brighten their lives. Read about his experiences with starting the Free Hugs Campaign.

The first person who stopped, tapped me on the shoulder and told me how her dog had just died that morning. How that morning had been the one year anniversary of her only daughter dying in a car accident. How what she needed now, when she felt most alone in the world, was a hug. I got down on one knee, we put our arms around each other and when we parted, she was smiling.

A simple gesture, a hug made all the difference for that woman who was grieving two losses. Watch the Video and be inspired:

Enjoy a Virtual Hug on Valentine's Day
In honor of Valentine's Day, I am posting a Virtual Hug. Here's Your Online Hug:

((( Hug )))

Be sure to pass on the Hug to someone else. Remember that

You can't give a hug without getting a hug in return.

I wish you a hug and a smile for this sometimes difficult day.

Sources:
Dyer K. 2007. Free Hugs Campaign. Squidoo.com
Dyer K. September 2007. The Gift of Touch - Quote on Hug (Touch) Therapy. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.
Dyer K. September 2007. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.
Dyer K. February 2008. A Cleansing, Healing Candle Burning Ceremony.Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.
Dyer K. February 2008. Coping with Valentine's Day as a Single. Grief, Loss & Transitions Blog.
Dyer K. Ways of Coping with Valentine's Day. Condolence & Sympathy Section. Journey of Hearts.

Image Source:
Comfort Hug. © 2002 Kirsti A. Dyer, the Violet Heart Collection.

The Gift of Touch - Quote on Hug (Touch) Therapy

Today is Free Hugs Day. If you don't know about the inspirational Video that has become a YouTube Phenemonon take a look at the lens that I created on Squidoo.

In the the Spirit of the Free Hugs Campaign, I am passing along the information to you with a quote and a virtual hug to hopefully brighten up your day.

In a world that has grown more complicated, more fierce in the demands made upon our hearts and pocket books, there is one easy, free gift left. The power of touch.

Don't turn away from the elderly, disabled, terminally ill or long term care residents because their needs seem beyond your ability to give. The one thing they need the most is the most simple, yet profound gift you have to give. Your kind hand holding theirs and a hug from your heart.

The gift of touch is the most powerful healing you can offer another, and it is the most powerful healing you can give yourself.

Give generously and watch yourself grow rich in what matters the most. Hug often, hug well...I embrace your spirit....

Kathleen Keating Schloessinger

Free Hug Day - September 10, 2007.
The Free Hugs Campaign began as one person's attempt to make a difference and reach out to others to brighten their lives.

The Free Hug Campaign is a random act of kindness, a selfless act performed by a person for the sole reason of making others feel better.

For More information on Free Hug Day, see the Free Hug Campaign on Squidoo.

Enjoy a Virtual Hug
Here's Your Online Hug:

((( Hug )))

Now go and pass it on to someone else.

Photo Source: Mikas Vitkauskas. Chill in the Evening. Royalty Free Use.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep - A Beautiful Video to Help in Coping with Loss

This beautiful video tribute is a very comforting resource for anyone who has experienced a loss. This video can be viewed and used as a way of helping to cope with the loss.

This video features the newer version of Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep, by Lucie Storrs.



More about the Poem, the Song and the Book
To learn more about the poem Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep, the musical version of this classic bereavement poem and about an eBook resource visit the Squidoo Lens Dedicated to Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep.

This lens features several moving musical and video interpretations of Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep. Be advised that before watching these videos, you may need to get Kleenex especially if you have experienced a recent loss.

More about the Poem:
Dyer KA. New eBook of Comfort - Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep. July 2007.
Dyer KA. Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep on Squidoo. July 2007.

Life is still worthwhile if you just smile - An Inspirational Song by Josh Groban

I just spent some time creating a webpage that will benefit the Josh Groban Foundation, entitled "Grobanites for Charity - Fans Who Make a Difference in the Lives of Children on Squidoo." Josh Groban is one of my favorite singers of all times. I have been fortunate to see him three times in concert, the last time with my daughters, young Josh Groban fans at ages 7 and 5.

I spent a lot of time of time going through the You Tube footage of Josh singing, and will be developing a tribute to Josh - Healing the Grieving Heart with a collection of songs to soothe the grieving heart.

A Pick Me Up to Make You Smile
Here is a video of Josh Groban his rendition of the classic song "Smile" that will remind you to keep smiling. There are two others on the Squidoo lens. These are all good ones to bookmark as a favorite for those days when you are down.

Watch the video and even if you are feeling a bit blue, you may find yourself saying

...what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Josh's smile and sincerity is really infectious...in a good way.

Song Lyrics

Lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons.
Music written by Charlie Chaplin, 1936.

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

This is a very good song to listen to on those days when everything seems to be filled with sadness as a way of believing that things will get better.

CarePages - Connect, Share, Care

Journey of Hearts has paired up with CarePages to give our viewers their own place online to create a page to connect, share and care during challenging times. Visit the custom Journey of Hearts CarePages to get started.

What is a CarePage?
A CarePage is a personal, private web page that can be used by family and friends to stay connected and enhance communication when a loved one is facing a long-term illness or at the end of life.

Using a Care Page
Creating a CarePage can be a way of generating support, providing information and updates easily. I think the greatest benefit may be that of holding the loved one in everyone's thoughts so they can do better and get healthy, or feel the love and support of family at the end of life.

You can use our custom Journey of Hearts CarePages to keep family connected when a loved one is facing a challenging illness, or at the end of life.

For More Information

• Journey of Hearts CarePages
  
• Squidoo Lens on CarePages

Grief, Loss & Comfort Quote - The Stars Openings in Heaven

This is one of my favorite comforting quotes. I love the symbolism-- the stars as openings in heaven. I also like using this quote as a way of keeping the memory of loved one alive and feeling his or her presence...by simply going outside at night and gazing up at the starry, starry night.

Perhaps they are not stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost ones
pours through
and shines down upon us
to let us know they are happy.

Eskimo Proverb

Remember for more Grief, Loss & Comfort Quotes see our rotating quotes at the bottom of the page, or click on the Quotations or Quotes label.

Dyer KA. Grief, Loss & Comfort Quotes *Check out the bottom of the blog* http://grief-loss-info.blogspot.com/2007/07/new-blog-feature-grief-loss-comfort.html

Photo Source: 4younity. Starfield. Royalty Free Use.

Words to Comfort - In Memory of You

Poems Reach and Touch People with Words
It was during college and the later during medical school that I discovered the power of words to help people through the grieving and healing process following a loss.

Words that I have written as poems during difficult moments when I was dealing with the losses of friends and patients have touched people in ways that I never would have imagined possible.

Since it's inception, the Journey of Hearts website has included the healing effects of poetry to aid in helping visitors to this site through the grieving process.

Many of my poems featured on the site have been reprinted as memorials in newspapers, yearbooks for those who have died, or spoken at funerals or memorial services. Most recently my poem, In Memory of You was included as an example of a contemporary bereavement poem in the new eBook, Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep.

You can read the poem in it's entirety below:

In Memory of You


I find an old photograph
and see your smile.
As I feel your presence anew,
I am filled with warmth
and my heart remembers love.

I read an old card
sent many years ago
during a time of turmoil and confusion.
The soothing words written then
still caress my spirit
and bring me peace.

I remember who you used to be
the laughter we shared
and wonder what you have become.
Where are you now,
Where did you go,
When the body is left behind
and the spirit is released to fly?

Perhaps you are the morning bird
singing joyfully at sunrise,
or the butterfly that dances
so carelessly on the breeze
or the rainbow of colors
that brightens a stormy sky
or the fingers of afternoon mist
delicately reaching over the mountains
or the final few rays of the setting sun
lighting up the skies
edging the clouds with a magical glow.

I miss your being
but I feel your presence,
In whatever form you choose to take,
however you now choose to be.

Your spirit has become for me
a guardian angel on high
guiding, advising, and watching over me.

I remember you.
You are with me
and I am not afraid.

© 1996 Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS. All rights reserved.

About the Poem
"In Memory of You" was written on a sunny winter day, penned in response to news of the death of a dear family friend from bone cancer. Her death combined with several other recent significant losses--a childhood friend to the complications of multiple sclerosis at the age of 34, a 22 year old to the long-term effects of anorexia nervosa and a vibrant patient to lung cancer at the age of 38--were the inspiration for the poem.

The deaths of these 4 young women were my primary motivators, but there were many others over the years--patients that I had lost during my days as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) or while in medical school and residency training.

"In Memory of You" has been used in many different ways since it was written and shared with hundreds of people since being posted to the Journey of Hearts site in 1998. The poems was featured as one of the healing poems on a collection of poetry assembled on the Journey of Heart site following the September 11th 2001 tragedy. In 2003 the poem was one of several of my poems included in the ABC's of Grief: A Handbook for Survivors. "In Memory of You" was even included as a Poem on the Day on the Poet Seer Site in 2004. In 2006, "In Memory of You" was shared as a resource with the About.com community during my tenure as the Death, Dying and Bereavement guide.

Over the years "In Memory of You" has also been used in with sympathy cards, as a Christmas card inserts, read at funerals and memorials and found it's way onto many Internet memorial sites, often listed as anonymous.

Photo Source: Reading Card. Modified Microsoft Image.

Coping with Loss - What Can I Say When a NICU Baby Dies?

In the past several years my area of expertise based on life experiences has been expanded to include the role of NICU Parent.

I have also shifted my focus to being a professional health educator. One of the main areas of education for me is in the often overlooked areas of grief and bereavement.

My educational expertise has also expanded to include the perspective of a NICU parent. With this new area of expertise, there may be some overlap with the NICU Parent Support site, and sometimes when the Losses discussed are NICU Losses.

Coping with NICU Loss
Today a posting by NICU Doctor on "Loss" in the NICU caught my eye. This is an abbreviated version of the comments that I left.

While my specialty is Internal Medicine, I have also done postgraduate training in grief, loss and bereavement with a special interest in hospice and end-of-life care. In addition, I am a former NICU parent.

Thankfully, we did not have to face the decisions with end-of-life care with our daughter. Since this experience I have explored grief and bereavement in the NICU from the dual perspective of a NICU parent and a grief and bereavement educator.

I recently posted a blog on What can I *say* when a NICU baby dies? for friends and family with a reminder that "words can provide a source of solace, hope, comfort and reassurance--emotions much needed during the grieving process."

Here is the link from the NICU Parent Support Site Blog with suggestions for what people can *say* when a NICU baby dies. Some of these comments are generic enough to work for other people in other situations when a loved one has died.

Sources:
Dyer KA. June 2007. What can I *say* when a NICU baby dies? Neonatal Parent Support Site.
Neonatal Doc. July 2007. Loss. Neonatal Doc. http://neonataldoc.blogspot.com/2007/07/loss.html